JANUARY FIRST

Crappy New Years, peeps! The time around New Years is usually a pretty difficult time for me. Thinking about how I have lived another year and have to start a new one. I don’t understand how I’m still here, why I’m still here. It’s just every year I get this panic-y feeling. Another wasted year, another year over due.

I wanted to spend New Years Eve alone, just practising some self care for myself. I was going to cat- and dog sit for them while my parents visited my aunt and uncle with a couple of family friends. They cancelled last minute due to Covid, so I stayed. I know New Years is yet another holiday my parents appreciate, and where they value family time, so Leesi and I didn’t go home to our apartment.

It actually turned out alright, my mother and I found out Bones was available for only thirty more days(!!) on our streaming service, so we watched that while my dad was in the upstairs living room watching horse races and the usual movies that aires around this time here in Norway. My mom and I have only 29 days to watch the remaining 3 and 1/2 seasons of Bones now. (I think we can do it).

I went to sleep at 23:00 yesterday. It’s not a big deal for me to see the fireworks. The fur babies were doing so great yesterday. The fireworks started slowly at around 16:00 and they barked a little at the first few bangs, but it seemed they understood that it was going to bang a little more that evening, so they either went to sleep or came onto my lap for sleepy cuddles. I am so grateful they are so calm about it, I can’t even imagine the stress and sadness people with nervous and stressed out animals on New Years Eve feel, and especially the animals themselves. I truly feel for them.

My parents, bringing Koda with them, left for the cabin this morning, and I’m staying at their house to watch the Kalypso. She’s currently fully stretched out on the living room rug, I think she appreciates having the space to herself. Well, Khaleesi is also here with us of course, but she’s pretty tired out from last night. I think this is going to be a pretty chilled out day.

I have layed out my unused A&O book now, and my new A&O Acrylograph pens, and I’m thinking of starting off the year in my new book. I brought all my bujo stuff with me when coming here just to be sure I didn’t miss anything, haha. I hope you had a great New Years Eve and I wish you all the best for the coming year ❤

– E.J

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IN THE COMFORT OF MY LIVING ROOM

Sipping tea from the Marimekko mug I got from my fur babies for Christmas, watching big, wet snowflakes fall from the sky in the comfort of my warm living room. Vanilla scented candles are lit and Khaleesi is slumbering by my side. I know the snow won’t stay long, so I’m savouring this moment.

We’ve had constant rain for two weeks now, so looking out at the millions of snowflakes falling, almost dancing in the wind, gives a very welcomed feeling. Rain in Autumn is perfect, but rain in Winter makes gets me down. The sun sets at 15:00, if we even see it at all, so snow should in my humble opinion be mandatory, (do you hear me Mother Nature?). I guess this is what we’ll be seeing in the coming years due to climate change. It’s a real bummer, the snow brightens up the surroundings in a usually dark time.

I have no specific plans for today other than to try out the A&O Acrylograph pens I got from my mom and dad for Christmas. I’ve been eyeing them for so long, and an online store here in Norway finally got them not to long ago.

I’m thinking of starting with bullet/creative journaling again the coming year, I’ve fallen out of it the past few months. I miss sitting at my desk; writing, planning, creating. Cutting and pasting, stickers here, stickers there. And luckily I found an unused A&O book lying around the other day, like it was just waiting for January 1st to come around.

– E.J

CHRISTMAS UPDATE

Christmas has passed for now and a new year is creeping up on us. I had a rather good Christmas holiday this year actually. I went to my parents for a little holiday get-away, and my mom and I watched a lot of Bones. It was a calm few days, without less of the usual agitated arguments about all that needed to be done. Christmas Eve was spent at their house with my sister, her boyfriend, and my grandmother on my fathers side.

I was a bit on edge, and there were a couple times I felt like bursting into tears and run out of the room, but I quietly managed to collect myself. Kind of emotionally muted the rest of the evening. It wasn’t terrible, but I wasn’t exactly overjoyed either. Just unaffected, another day crossed off this year. That’s depression I guess. But like I said: rather good. No penetrating doom, no anxiety to mention.

Khaleesi and I are back at our apartment now, listening to my Missed Hits of 2020. It’s been stormy all last night and today, and it’s supposed to rain for a few days now, which fits very well with our plan to just have a couple of days to ourselves and take it slow until New Years. Charging the batteries for a day that usually brings a lot of anxiety and not-so-good thoughts.

Hope you had a nice holiday, if you celebrate! And if you don’t, I hope you’ve had some good days leading up to the new year. Take care ❤

– E.J

A LITTLE OUT OF IT

I’ve had a good couple of days, but it has taken it’s toll. On Monday I invited my mom over for coffee in the late morning. I drank tea, the same old Original Chai from Pukka. It was very cozy and Leesi had such a good time parading around the living room, strode around so proudly showing off her home, even though mom has been here before. It was such a precious sight.

I had a rather difficult night though, and it ended up in self-destructive behaviour. I felt like the nice start to the day was way beyond what I deserve, and I had to make up for it somehow. That’s how it goes, I guess. I do feel grateful for the time my mom and I spent together, but I don’t feel worthy. And that it is where it goes wrong. When will it okay for me to feel good about good times?

Tuesday was good, Leesi and I had a nice morning watching Six Feet Under before we went to grandma’s (Leesi’s grandma that is, my mom) to see the new furniture they had gotten for their living room. Mom was not happy with the color of her couch, and I must say so myself it was a lot duller than the one I had seen a testers patch of. But I gave her some therapy and I think she’s slightly okay with it now.

My sister came to visit today and it was good to see her again. She’s starting a new job soon and it’s all really exiting. We had a good talk, my mom, her and I.

Now I feel like I’m spiralling again, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I should begin to even take this problem into control. Somewhere – I guess that’s where I should begin. And that Somewhere is Here. I have to start here. From this moment.

– E.J

THESE PAST FEW DAYS

I’ve spent the weekend in pure joy. I’ve been granted permanent disability aid! That may seem might a let down to most folks, but for me it is a joy. I’ve been fighting this system for so long, and now I’m finally able to breathe. I have a steady income and I have the time to grow.

I have the time to grow, on my own terms. I don’t have 3 years, or 14 months, or 5 months. I can finally be free. Free to build the live I want to live, with my conditions. I have the time to learn, to experience, to grow.

It has been hard living in this process, of knowing/not knowing. I know I’ve must’ve lost some hair over it. But it is here. And I am safe. It is weird and it is good. I am safe. It doesn’t exactly slow down the process that Autumn is here with me. I feel good, I feel enlightened, I feel inspired. I hope that will come to show on my instagram and of course – here.

I ‘ve started writing again and I hope this will be a good thing for me. My sentences, my words, my meanings. I have so much to say, but I’ve never really known the words to say them. I feel like this is a turning point, and I am here. I am here to let you know how I feel, to know what I experience, to know what life is life how I live it with the diagnosis that I have. I am ready.

– E.J

FIVE THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR RIGHT NOW

❀ Hello, earthlings ❀

I’m sitting here in the lazy chair in my parents house, I’m cat sitting this weekend. It’s a grey morning outside, wind is blowing through the apple trees and shaking some apples to the wet grass from the rain earlier. The heating pump is on and Leesi is sleeping at my feet, curled up in a blanket. As I am sitting here, my thoughts wander to the things I’m grateful for in my life, and I thought I’d share five of them with you today.

❥ My animals. The way they show me unconditional love every day and I do the same with them. Even on my worst days, they bring out the best in me. They fill up my entire heart and I don’t even know how to put into words what they mean to me. Love, love, love.

❥ My parents living close by. I have felt some embarrassment from getting an apartment so close to my parents house, (even though it was the best apartment out for rent when I was looking), but I am happy that’s where I landed. I am independent, but their support is just a few streets away.

❥ Writing again and picking up my camera. I am slowly getting back into expressing myself on paper and capturing little moments, and that I am very much grateful for. Lowering my expectations and trying to just enjoy it.

❥ The best season of the year is just three days away. In a short time the leaves will turn orange and red and yellow. The sun will become golden and create that crisp, but sweet scent in the air. Rain will pour down and there will be full days spent under blankets with reading, tv-series, tea, hot cocoa and cuddles, in the soft light of lit candles. Layers of knitted and fluffy sweaters and cardigans and dressy trousers and Dr. Martens and checkered and dark coloured floral dresses and pantyhose!

❥ The Internet. I’ve met some good people online over the past years, and even though there’s a part of me that don’t dare to call them my friends, (how can anyone want to be my friend?), there’s another part who cherish them so much and they show me love, and I suppose that’s what friendship is. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that I am wanted and I am someone people care about.

– E.J

DAY NINE

❀ Good late morning, dear earthlings ❀

The temperature is harsh this morning, it’s not hard to tell that Autumn is right around the corner. I’ve put on woolen socks that my mom has knitted for me, the heater is on, and I’ve made myself a cup of apple and cinnamon tea. It’s a slow morning, and I’m visiting my mother today. I have no real plans other than that at the moment. Or probably several more cups of tea. And a walk with Khaleesi.

I’m on day nine of no self destructive behaviour, and I think I might be feeling good actually. It’s going way smoother than I had expected? I thought I was going to fight hard for this, but the urges are bordering on insignificant and are in a way easy to overcome. I have had some help from my anxiety medication, but I wasn’t using too much of them before, so this increase is okay in my eyes. I hope this next week will be equally as good as the last one in these terms. Fingers crossed.

Happy new week, hope you have a good one ❀

– E.J

WHO DO I THINK I AM

❀ Hello, earthlings ❀

I am once again back here behind the screen typing away. The sun is going down, I’ve lit a scented candle – Pine Spice – and Khaleesi is softly slumbering in her cuddle nest next to me. My mind has been pre-occupied with some not-so-good things lately. I feel freer now, and I want to come back, but I’m struggling. Struggling with the idea that I’m worthy to take up space, that I can be someone, be seen. Which is why this blog never really was anything, I suppose.

I seldom feel like I am good enough, (other than on my ups when I feel like I am beyond best, but that doesn’t last long), and I realize everything that I’m missing out on personally. I am scared to the bone of being perceived as thinking I am Someone, a Person. I don’t write, I don’t journal, I don’t do much photography anymore. Half of the time I won’t even allow myself to think. And the reason can be boiled down into six words: Who do I think I am? Who do I think I am sitting here breathing?

I can’t seem to shake off the need to try to be something specific, trying to please the expectations I project on others in my mind. Messy me isn’t enough, I don’t feel like a complete person. But at the same time I don’t think I’ve ever let myself truly try to be something for myself. Almost all I am is set in these expectations of what I believe others want to see and hear.

I need to start being Unapologetically Me. Start from scratch. I know I keep repeating myself, but life is a journey, ones person is a journey. I probably say it more to comfort myself most of all, but I think we all need to hear this from time to time. We don’t need to have it all figured out at all times. I need to accept life, and first and foremost myself. No more apologies, no more trying to justify my existence. I am enough just as I am, imperfectly perfect.

– E.J

ALL MOVED IN, APARTMENT PHOTOS, SOME THOUGHTS

❀ Hello earthlings! ❀

What has it been? Like five weeks? Longer? Time has flown by so fast I haven’t even noticed. This move has taken so much of me, physically and emotionally. It has been a big step to move out again and start on my own, and I haven’t been sleeping really, except in daytime, and then my day has been done to be honest. It has been a good move, but I haven’t had much energy afterwards, and then with not sleeping properly it has been tiresome. I recently bought a weighted blanket though, and these past few nights have been so good. If you struggle with your sleep I highly recommend it!

I have tried to keep some sort of routine these past weeks, but by going back to sleeping in daytime, (it hasn’t been 6 hours like I did when I was depressed, but enough), it has been hard. We’ve had a walk, and I’ve been reading some, and then in the afternoon we’ve been visiting Koda, Kalypso and my parents. Khaleesi has been needing that for the transition to our own life to be smooth. I haven’t been doing much productive since, though. I’ve ordered a desk from IKEA, which has arrived now (but I haven’t set it up yet because I’m cat sitting at my parents house), and I hope that will make me want to sit down and work, give some incentive to sit down and get creative again.

My first week of having the keys, I spent painting my living/dining room. It was originally painted a very sad grey tone, not even a fashionable one, (how anyone managed to live in that I don’t know).

I’ve added some photos from my apartment as it is now to this post. If you want to see the before and after photos of the paint job I have a link here! (The plant is a cover photo).

The photos following are of my living room as it is, I have photos of my kitchen as well, but they would be too much for this post as it would contain too many photos, so I’ll add them later if that’s interesting. My bedroom wouldn’t be much to show, though, as I haven’t made any effort there yet, haha.

I am very happy as to what my living room looks like. I have my 50’s brocade couch and chairs, my 70’s teak table and stool, a sewing table and a proper 2020’s bookshelf.

The hanging to the right in the photo above, or down right at the picture below is a picture of the moon phases which I got in a small local store in Brooklyn when I was there in folk high school. It is one of the parts of that time in folk high school that I recall vividly. I have some other problems, trauma, that have made me forget most of that time, but I remember this.

We were in this small boho shop in Williamsburg that sold jewellery and scarfs, I found this and had to take it with me. I got it with me safely, no wrinkles, and I think it just states the preciousness of those moments in New York. Like somehow I had to remember this.

I think my first goal for June is very much accomplished. 2nd goal: which was to spend more time outdoors is also done. Khaleesi and I have been sitting in the garden quite a bit until the heavy rain came. (I am very happy about the rain, though, I love rain). We’ve also been on walks every day.

The “no post processing my photos” has been fun. None of these photos are post processed, just presets that I’ve made in camera, and I quite like the result. It’s not a commercial preset, it’s just my preference and I think that’s nice. I like that it’s kind of “original me”.

Keeping up with my previous routine is a story by itself. I have not managed to do this in any form or way. I have gotten dressed, but that’s it. I think it has something to do with me not having a designated workspace, and probably a lot to do with me having to take a lot of time just getting used to the move and sleeping. We have had some routine though, which I mentioned earlier in this post.

This is where I plan to have my desk, next to my dresser. I’ll have to move my Begonia and the two small boxes I’ll keep stationed on the legs of my desk. I’ll have a lot of light coming in from the window and also from the window in my living room. It’ll be good.

Two pictures down you can see my dining area. I have a proper 70’s dining area, with teak chairs, (they are a lovely forest green, but you can’t see it, I still have to adjust my “preset”), and a teak table. My table needs a vaseline oil coating and then it will be perfect.

I have to show you the light that my disco ball gives. I have photos, but that too will make this post too long. I’ll wrap it up here.

I’m very content living here. I feel like this is a place where I can stay for a bit while saving up for my own apartment. It feels safe, (it’s in a cul-de-sac), and it feels nice. I’m happy.

I wish you a very good week ♥

– E.J

CONTRACT SIGNED AND MY DAY ROUTINE

The contract is filled in and signed and today it’s exactly one week until I get the keys to the apartment! Am I allowed to be a little over-the-top excited? It’s been three years since the last time I lived on my own and I’m eager (to say the least) to be independent again.

I have sort of made myself a new routine, getting ready to “start over” and get more out of my days, so I thought I’d share it with you.

. . .

Bedtime is around 10:30 and I have my alarm set for 9:15 the next morning. I might not get up before 10, but at least I’m awake. (Baby steps).

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I don’t touch my sweats on weekdays, I usually put on a dress or a soft jumpsuit, and I do my brows in the morning, as to feel a bit made for the day. I used to be in my sweats all day, six days a week, and actually getting dressed has made a difference. This may sound weird, but I’m very emotionally attached to my clothes and I can’t stand the thought of slowly wearing them out by only sitting under a blanket all day. I feel like they deserve to be used for something good.

Next on my list in the morning is getting downstairs to grab a Monster and upstairs again to my desk, put on some Bon Iver or Keaton Henson, journal for a bit and write my to-do list for the day. (This would paint a much more aesthetic picture if I said I made myself a cup of tea, but I pinky swear that happens sometimes as well). This is also a good time to day dream while listening to the birds singing in the apple trees outside.

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I often try to write something afterwards, to continue my journaling-thoughts in a more structured manner. If I can’t do that I’ll watch some videos on YouTube, either on personal growth or photography, to get inspired for the day. I don’t meet many people and I don’t go to work, so it’s good to get some input from other people in ways that I can. And I water my plants.

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After this I’ll most likely pick up my camera or start a brain-dump with ideas and try to build on them. I do wish I was more determined to put these ideas to life, though, but I’m too insecure in myself still, so most of them just stay ideas and inspirations. My photos are rarely significant, but I try to take at least a couple of photos a day, even if they’re less than insignificant, just to keep it up.

If it’s sunny the dogs are let out for a while. Koda can’t go on walks at the moment, because he has a fracture in his toe, so the garden is a good substitute. They get to smell and run (restricted on a soft ground) for a bit and they sometimes get their dog bones to gnaw on. Khaleesi is pretty much satisfied with just sun bathing.

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When the afternoon comes there’s dinner and I like to participate in the cooking. I am somewhere in between anxious and excited as to what that will look like when living on my own again and cooking for myself.

I’ll try to write some more, or edit the photos I’ve taken throughout the day, if I’ve taken several. I’ll probably put on a couple of episodes of Homeland, (I’m currently on season 2), and half-watch it while I edit my photos.

☁️

To end the day I like to put on a timer to read for 30 minutes. This way it’s easier for me to read. I always think that if I don’t read for at least an hour and half, there’s no use and I’m not a good enough reader, which feels overwhelming, but setting a timer for that amount kind of says “this is how it is, this is achievable, this is enough” and I usually end up reading for a bit longer. I also try to have reading be the last thing I do at the end of the day, so I don’t end it with screen time, and my head will have some time to cool off. I’ll also write a few words in my journal to reflect over the day.

. . .

This is more or less my routine as a stay-at-home dog parent. Or this has been my active routine the past week, and I will do everything in my power to keep it up. What I have not put in here is the time I spend on mood swings, on overthinking, on anxiety and overwhelmed, zoning out, staring at the wall – but it’s in here. Some days I’m not able to do much except these last things I mentioned. But that is okay, too.

– E.J