BIRTHDAY BOY / 070621

Yesterday was my beautiful prince’s birthday! Koda turned a whopping 7 years old, I can’t believe it! The little boy who was an outcast in his litter has turned into The Good-est Boy. So calm and sweet.

He had a tough first years going through something called Tollers Disease. Tollers Disease is an auto-immune illness that affects the joints, muscles and more. A kind of rheumatic arthitis. It can also be meningitis.

It’s been really scary, because I’ve read that most people with dogs with Tollers Disease have had to say goodbye to their fur babies way too soon, between 5-8 years old. Koda on the other hand has been doing really well the past two-ish years. He’s been going to a physiotherapist the last four-five years. The first years of therapy where hard, but now he’s doing so good he’s gotten off his meds!

My dearest prince, I love you with all of my heart. You’ve been with me through my toughest years, always by my side, and I instantly feel better when I see your precious face. You’re such a well adjusted and happy dog.

You let Leesi mess with you and boss you around and you also play very nicely together even though you’re 17kgs heavier. You’re just so considerate of her, and she couldn’t have asked for a better big brother, and I couldn’t have asked for a better dog than (the two of) you <3.

– E.J

ISLAND HIKE

Hello bloggy, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again.

It’s been a while now, hasn’t it? March 10th was my last post. As you’re probably well aware of by now, I really struggle with heavy periods of emptiness and hopelessness, and that is also the case nowadays. Days go by with me hardly even noticing. All of a sudden, as it seems, another one-two-three weeks have passed.

I’ve been doing better this time. Even though my body seems to gravitate to the ground by what seems like 200kg on my back, I get up and I go out and I soak in the magic that Spring has to offer: hopeful wood anemones and other flora sprouting up here and there, sunlight breaking through the branches of the trees creating a fairytale-like light in the forest, calm breezes stroking my face, the crunch of dry gravel under my sneakers as I walk… I could go on.

I have truly been enjoying the forest this Spring. It’s still that time of year before all the creepy crawling creatures come out. (Ants are my biggest fear). I have been getting out on my own, but my aunt has really done a good job getting me outside as well and has taken me to a few places I haven’t been before. And yesterday I was on a hike with my sister on this really beautiful island. (I took a bunch of photos, but I couldn’t put all of them in one post, haha).

Other than that my days have been spent trying to finish The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. I have struggled with that one, I couldn’t get into the story, I hope The Prisoner of Heaven is better, because I really liked The Shadow of the Wind and Carlos’ storytelling. It’s tough to read when you’re not in the right head space, but now I’m finally done and still on schedule with my reading goal.

My mom and I have also been a lot of watching Masterchef Australia. We had been saving up weeks at a time of the Back to Win season, as we’ve done with previous seasons as well, to watch a bunch of episodes at a time. The best way to watch a series is to binge many episodes at a time, in my opinion. I cried an embarrassing amount of times during this season, more than I dare count, it’s just so wholesome.

Now we have found a streaming service with every season, I have just watched from season 6 I think, so we’ve started on the first and it’s so weird and so good(!) to see how much the show and the judges (Matt, Gary and George), have grown over the years. Season 1 is so bad and commercial, haha! Still fun, though!

Back to the hikes/walks. I’ve used my camera a lot lately, and I am so grateful for the sparks the hikes have created when it comes to photography. Nature is the best inspiration! Maybe it will help me out of this rut again.

– E.J

A SEIZURE AND MY BIRTHDAY GIRL

Things haven’t been going too great lately. I’m a mess. I feel hopeless when it comes to my self destructive behaviour, I don’t know where to begin to get out of it. I try and I manage for a couple of days, but then give in. It’s easier that way somehow. I want to get better, I just can’t seem to do it. The biggest part of me has given up.

On top of that I had some sort of seizure last Monday, early morning. Went to my GP and described it to her and she said that it might have been an epileptic seizure. I’ve read a lot since then and epileptic seizures are so comprehensive, there are so many different kinds, so now I’m pretty sure that was what it was.

I was half conscious when it happened and apparently that’s possible after what I’ve read. I tried to reach for my phone and call my mom when it when it got worse, but then the seizure climaxed. There wouldn’t be enough time to unlock my phone, go into my contacts and find my mom in my favorites. I was certain that that was it, I would be dead within the next few seconds. I was in full panic and it was rather traumatic.

Obviously I didn’t die. All of a sudden it was over. My mom is kind of perplexed how cold or indifferent I have been about it in the following days. I don’t know how or why I’m not more scared and anxious. Maybe that is just another sign of how I’ve given up? Or maybe I’m just in denial, or completely shocked and don’t know how else to deal with it.

On a more positive note, my precious baby girl turned four yesterday! She has been a true godsend. She is so loving and on the constant lookout for cuddles. She truly is the light of my life, I don’t know what I would do without her. We celebrated at her grandmas and grandpas with big brother Koda and little sister Kalypso. They got some extra snacks for the occasion. I think she thought it was the best birthday.

Hope you’re doing well, (at least better than me). 🤎

– E.J

1/365

It feels like this day has lasted for an eternity, but strangely enough I haven’t felt like I was suffocating at any point, I’ve felt content. Almost happy even.

After a few nights of bad, if any, sleep, I decided I needed some help and took a sleeping pill last night. Woke up at 9:30 this morning actually feeling rested, it was like I was a different person. Together with the pep-talk and reflection I did with myself yesterday I was looking forward to the day that lay stretched out before me. Read that again. Looking forward to. How many times have that happened the past year? I think I can count that on zero hands.

I had no specific plans other than listening to my own advice and take things slow and be mindful in whatever it was I was going to end up doing. And I did, and I was. I made oatmeal with almonds and finely chopped apples, (I love the ritual of making oatmeal), brewed myself a cup of blackcurrant tea and ate slowly while listening to my favorite song at the moment on repeat. (When Wedding Bells Ring – Midnight Choir).

I wrote a post on my Instagram, opening up a bit about my depression and my 365 project plan. Then I posted the actual 1/365 photo. It felt good to have started and it pepped me up even more about the day, the week!

It had been snowing all day, so I had planned on staying in, but decided I’d ask Leesi if she wanted to go for a walk. She ran under the dining table and gave me a death stare: how could I suggest such a horrendous thing, it was snowing? But she got around and we went out onto the snowy streets of our neighborhood. Brought my Fuji along as well and snapped some photos. Ate some snowflakes mid-air. (Yes, I am a child).

Well at home, I managed to make my first proper dinner in months. That was such a huge win for me. People who have been or are depressed, or struggle with eating, will know.

I’m praying that I’ll have the same state of mind tomorrow, (I didn’t even have one BPD meltdown). But you can never know with mental illness, only hope. So I cross my fingers and hope.

Hope you have a good one 🤎

– E.J

LIVING A LIFE

With not working, I feel like spending whole days by myself can be challenging and rather rough sometimes. I’ve done a whole lot to get the hours to pass by without noticing, make them disappear, and it has dawned on me lately that I should be doing the exact opposite to be content and get them to flow. So I’m making an effort to slow myself down, take deep breaths and connect with what I am doing. Be present.

My life is a little life. There’s not an overload of things or events happening. I have myself, I have my fur babies, my family and the World Wide Web and a few friends there. Some interests and hobbies to also keep me going. My life doesn’t necessarily need anything more to be bigger than it is, I just have to keep watering the little sprouts that are already there.

I could spend more time nurturing my hobbies: start a 365 photo project or bring out my collage-stuff again and sit down with my journal, and I already have a reading goal this year. I could grow my relationships, push myself to interact more and better with my Internet friends, (a challenge in itself (still) trying to convince myself I am someone they want to be around). I could buy an agility set for Leesi for Spring and play around with her in the garden. I could take more walks with the dogs and my mom (and my camera) in the forest. I could take an hour and just sit and listen to music.

In other words, I have an idea of what I need to do to get my days and the (seemingly) endless hours to flow, what I need to do to not wish to magically (and tragically) make them disappear. Next is to actually do it.

– E.J

CHRISTMAS UPDATE

Christmas has passed for now and a new year is creeping up on us. I had a rather good Christmas holiday this year actually. I went to my parents for a little holiday get-away, and my mom and I watched a lot of Bones. It was a calm few days, without less of the usual agitated arguments about all that needed to be done. Christmas Eve was spent at their house with my sister, her boyfriend, and my grandmother on my fathers side.

I was a bit on edge, and there were a couple times I felt like bursting into tears and run out of the room, but I quietly managed to collect myself. Kind of emotionally muted the rest of the evening. It wasn’t terrible, but I wasn’t exactly overjoyed either. Just unaffected, another day crossed off this year. That’s depression I guess. But like I said: rather good. No penetrating doom, no anxiety to mention.

Khaleesi and I are back at our apartment now, listening to my Missed Hits of 2020. It’s been stormy all last night and today, and it’s supposed to rain for a few days now, which fits very well with our plan to just have a couple of days to ourselves and take it slow until New Years. Charging the batteries for a day that usually brings a lot of anxiety and not-so-good thoughts.

Hope you had a nice holiday, if you celebrate! And if you don’t, I hope you’ve had some good days leading up to the new year. Take care ❤

– E.J

I KNOW AND I DON’T KNOW

It’s been two hours since I got home and my legs are finally starting to calm down. My mind is a different story, it’s still racing one hundred miles a minute. For what? Grocery shopping. How can such a normal thing set me off that much?

It’s the people. It’s what I perceive as judging looks and mocking smiles; distaste and critique of my being. I’m certain that my perceptions are real, but I also know it’s a symptom of my AvPD. I know – and I don’t know – that it’s an overreaction and (hopefully) not true, so why am I still feeling this way? Shouldn’t me being aware of it have burst the bubble?

Over to something more related to the photos… I wanted to show you my spread from week 2. It turned out to be one spread due to my flu and being chained to the couch, and Thursday to Sunday was more like a summary. This week I’m more in the game again, and I’m writing every day. It feels good to be back on track.

The smell of lasagna has filled the room now, which means it’s dinner time. I hope everyone is having a good weekend! Tomorrow I’m going to the movies with my mom and my aunt to finish it off. What have you been doing this weekend?

x Almond