The last time I posted something here was when Koda had just turned 7, now he’s soon turning 8, so it’s clearly been a while. Quite a few things have happened since then, so I thought I’d do an update.
Shortly after I stopped posting, my two beautiful, little tortoise babies came home to me. I named them Littlefoot and Petrie, after their respective namesakes from The Land Before Time. They were tiny, as you can see, only 9 and 10 grams.
It was really good getting them home and they were thriving for a while, eating well, walking around, climbing stuff. Then they got slower and they slept more. I think it was because they stood next to the outer wall of the house, and they got some draft from outside which made them sleep. It was a good thing really for the next thing that was going to happen…
I told you that I got a home loan in June last year, right? Well, in September I found the apartment I’m now sitting in, placed a few bids and it ended up as mine! (Obviously or else I wouldn’t be sitting here). Back to Littlefoot and Petrie, it fit perfectly that they hibernated for a while before and while moving, and once they were set up in their new place, away from outer walls, they woke up again and was as happy and healthy as before.
I couldn’t believe it when I got the call that the apartment was mine. I was now a home owner. Owner. No more rent. This is my place. It was very bittersweet though, very hard in fact. I went into a downward spiral of guilt and shame and was more depressed after moving in. I’m still not out of it. I struggle a lot with thinking I deserve it, that this – something this good – is meant for me.
As a result it’s turned into quite the depression nest. Because I don’t deserve the apartment, and even less deserve to have it nice-looking and clean around me while being a fraud, also due to zero energy, it has turned into a shit-hole. (Just a few days ago I cleaned out 4 bags of trash, and that’s just the start, but I guess it is a start at least). I stopped taking my meds properly just to further revel in my own misery.
Come two months ago to this day, our dear grandpa passed away with Covid and pneumonia in the hospital at age 87. He was in isolation for almost a week, it must have been horrible for him who values and thrives off of, and literally lives for, being surrounded by family and loved ones. I got to see him in the hospital two days before he passed. I still can’t believe he’s gone. When I tell myself that I just break down like the first time, I haven’t been able to grieve, I’ve just pushed it all away, I can’t handle it.
So, to sum it up, life pretty much sucks right now. The last couple of weeks I’ve had a few small “ups”, some glimmer of light in between. They usually last a day, two days tops, and I’m back at the bottom again, but it gives me some hope at least as to what’s (hopefully) to come. It’s like I’m practising my ability to feel good, like you practise running. One day you can run for 100 meters, next day 200 meters, and someday you do 1km, or even 10km.
I started taking my meds properly again a month ago, but it doesn’t seem to quite do it for me yet. Or, well, I don’t have my massive swings, now its just a stable low, so I guess it’s something. I’m trying to boost myself up to clean this place up, like with those 4 bags of trash, it’s a struggle, but like I said, it’s a start.